{"product_id":"baboon-ass-hot-sauce-tee","title":"Baboon Ass Hot Sauce Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eIn 1987, a team of rogue food scientists — operating out of a converted Waffle House somewhere in rural Louisiana — decided that existing hot sauces were not, in their professional opinion, unhinged enough.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThey worked for eleven years.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThey lost funding. They lost colleagues. One of them lost his sense of smell permanently and considers it \"a fair trade.\" Their grant applications were rejected by seventeen universities and one community college. Their families stopped asking how work was going.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd then, in 1998, they cracked it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eBaboon Ass Hot Sauce.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNamed not for the animal — though the animal is absolutely involved in the branding — but for the \u003cem\u003efeeling\u003c\/em\u003e. The specific, inescapable, cosmically personal feeling of having made a choice you cannot undo. A heat so precise, so deeply targeted, that your body will spend the next forty-five minutes negotiating with itself about what just happened and whether it was worth it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt was worth it. It is always worth it. That's the tragedy. That's the beauty.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis tee is the official garment of everyone who has ever looked directly at a bottle of something labeled \"EXTREME\" and said, without hesitation, \u003cem\u003eyes, and also more.\u003c\/em\u003e Wear it as a warning. Wear it as a badge. Wear it to Thanksgiving and let your aunt read it and watch her face do the thing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eBold, full-color graphic print that survived the design process (the designer needed a week off after)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit — roomy enough to accommodate the consequences of your hot sauce decisions\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSoft, durable Gildan cotton that washes out most stains (we said \u003cem\u003emost\u003c\/em\u003e)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCertified conversation starter at cookouts, diners, emergency rooms, and intervention circles\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in sizes S–3XL — because the spice does not discriminate\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eWear it to the cookout. Wear it to court. Wear it to your cousin's wedding and let it speak for your entire personality so you don't have to.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eThe scientists are retired now. They are fine. Mostly. One of them still can't feel his left hand but he says it's unrelated.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Chirpnout","offers":[{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":49980058075285,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":49980058108053,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":49980058140821,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":49980058173589,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":49980058206357,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":49980058239125,"sku":null,"price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0802\/3002\/3317\/files\/image_cecb7704-ce0e-4b33-b473-dcf114978538.png?v=1790197951","url":"https:\/\/chirpnout.com\/products\/baboon-ass-hot-sauce-tee","provider":"Chirpnout","version":"1.0","type":"link"}